Because it Hurts: Why Women and Men Aren't Feminists

I started crying on the bus this morning. Because of a book. My Feminist book club’s selection for this month in Robert Jensen’s Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity. I can across a passage describing a discussion group on pornography that Jensen had lead with a group of women who (like me) work in centres that work with battered women and rape survivors. He describes the sadness in the room at the end of the session and quotes a woman who had been mostly silent until the end. He writes:

Throughout the workshop she had held herself tightly, her arms wrapped around herself. She talks for some time, and then apologizes for rambling. There is no need to apologize; she is articulating what many feel. She talks about her own life, about what she has learned in the session and how it made her feel, about her anger and sadness. Finally she says: ‘This hurts. It just hurts so much’.

Gross

Breaking: The House votes to strip Planned Parenthood of its funding.

Make yourself feel a little bit more cheerful by hearing what some representatives had to say to defend Planned Parenthood.

Friday's Quick Notes, Vol. 4

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There’s some pretty horrifying anti-choice legislation being put on the boards in the United States. Cameron has a good deconstruction at the logical fallacies behind the Planned Parenthood ‘sting operations’. Taylor has a good post in the scary implications between this legislation and American’s love for the second amendment. And also makes a good point that we can’t get too snug about our rights as Canadians.

We can stop with the farce that these people are ‘pro-life’ now, right?

I doubt that I’m going to write about this issue because I’m too busy barfing about it. But will see. I will probably get so angry that I’ll have to rant about it.

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Because of Valentine’s Day on Monday I’ve been listening to a lot of Magnetic Fields this week. Okay I listen to a lot of Magnetic Fields all the time. And maybe they aren’t the most logically romantic choice. I do what I want. If you have never listened to them please check out 69 Love Songs. My personal favourites are “Papa was a Rodeo”, “All My Little Words”, “Epitaph for my Heart” and “Yeah, oh Yeah”. Enjoy the brilliant lyrics of Stephen Merritt.

Hey There's a 'Sensual' in Consensual

I know the title of this post is kinda ironic considering my last post was a rant about how silly ‘sexy’ feminism is. But feminist, consensual, open and honest sex is goddamn sexy. (cop out) So let’s talk about why! First, here’s some good definitions of consent from Feministing. What’s important from that article is the argument that definitions of consent should be made positive. No more of this ‘what consent is not’ (although this is certainly better than having no sexual harassment/assault policy at all).  I wanted to expand of that idea, so we can take a look at what it really means to be sex positive. I love Dan Savage, but I think he’s slightly off in his GGG label (aka someone who is open to their partner’s sexual proclivities). That problem is that although we should be open to playing with our sex partners, the GGG label can be misused in a way sex positivism is often misused in our modern society. What I mean is that it can become just another way to pressure and coerce a partner into sexual acts they do not want to participate in. And that, my friends, is sexual assault. (No. I’m not going to make it more palatable by using gentler words). You do not EVER have to prove how ‘sex positive’ or ‘liberated’ you are with acts that make you uncomfortable. Of course, you should explore your boundaries. Setting your sexual limits in stone is never the wisest idea. Some sex acts that you never considered but your partner is into might quite literally blow your mind. The key here is communication and open exploration. Never pressure. Never “If you really loved me, or were really liberated, you would be into this for me”. Sex is not something you do ‘for’ your partner, it’s something you do WITH your partner.

So here’s a couple of points to keep in mind when you’re playing with a partner.

Sexy Feminism: or why I’m fucking tired of feminist apologism

Today at volunteering I ran into the blog “"The Sexy Feminist: The No Guilt Guide to Being a Modern Feminist". I’m not going to harp on this blog. From what I can tell it is actually a great feminist advocacy blog. It just jump started some thoughts in my head about all the feminist apologism I see these days. We’ve all heard it. I've done it. As soon as you tell someone you’re a feminist they give you this wary look and ask “Are you one of those feminists?” You find yourself tripping over your tongue trying to explain how you aren’t militant or ‘like them’ (heaven forbid). You find yourself in the ridiculous position of having to apologize for your feminism. Or feeling guilty for talking about your feminism with someone who is uninterested at best or outright hostile at worst. 

Or if you are a braver person than me you tell them to go fuck themselves. From now on I am going to tell people to go fuck themselves. As far as I am aware no other activist group is forced to apologize for itself as often as feminists are. The sexist reality of our modern world is that it is acceptable to be an activist for civil rights or the environment but it’s not okay to be a feminist. You have to justify feminism to others. (Writing this I’m feeling very ignorant because of my white privilege. I’m certain that Native groups and other activists of colour often find themselves in the same position of me. They probably are told to shut up or apologize as often if not more often. But I cannot make a pronouncement on this situation since I am completely ignorant.)