Hey There's a 'Sensual' in Consensual

I know the title of this post is kinda ironic considering my last post was a rant about how silly ‘sexy’ feminism is. But feminist, consensual, open and honest sex is goddamn sexy. (cop out) So let’s talk about why! First, here’s some good definitions of consent from Feministing. What’s important from that article is the argument that definitions of consent should be made positive. No more of this ‘what consent is not’ (although this is certainly better than having no sexual harassment/assault policy at all).  I wanted to expand of that idea, so we can take a look at what it really means to be sex positive. I love Dan Savage, but I think he’s slightly off in his GGG label (aka someone who is open to their partner’s sexual proclivities). That problem is that although we should be open to playing with our sex partners, the GGG label can be misused in a way sex positivism is often misused in our modern society. What I mean is that it can become just another way to pressure and coerce a partner into sexual acts they do not want to participate in. And that, my friends, is sexual assault. (No. I’m not going to make it more palatable by using gentler words). You do not EVER have to prove how ‘sex positive’ or ‘liberated’ you are with acts that make you uncomfortable. Of course, you should explore your boundaries. Setting your sexual limits in stone is never the wisest idea. Some sex acts that you never considered but your partner is into might quite literally blow your mind. The key here is communication and open exploration. Never pressure. Never “If you really loved me, or were really liberated, you would be into this for me”. Sex is not something you do ‘for’ your partner, it’s something you do WITH your partner.

So here’s a couple of points to keep in mind when you’re playing with a partner.

Consent is Necessary for Every Sexual Act

I’m really sorry that this one keeps needing to be explained. I wish this wasn’t the case. But here we go. Just because your partner has agreed to participate in one sexual activity does not give you sexual license over their body. You must get consent for each and every act. Silence is NOT CONSENT. This does not have to be clinical. It shouldn’t bring your sex play to a halt. There can be sexy ways of getting consent. (Actually I happen to think that being asked for my consent in every which way is extremely fucking sexy). But if you’re worried that it will bring send your libido crashing on the rocks, here are some hints. Ask if your partner likes it when you … (fill in the blank). Ask for direction. Get feedback. Consent talk can transform into dirty talk. And that can be damn sexy (and it doesn’t have to sound like a law textbook!).

Women ‘changing their tunes’

I think this is another disturbing trend that we are all aware of. (Mostly) male partners arguing that sexual assault or rape charges are invalid because the woman ‘changed her mind’ and what she wanted the night before she now regrets. Embarrassment, they insist, does not a rape charge make. Everyone seems to argue that different factors are at work: alcohol, regret, rape culture etc. etc.  I think the fact of the matter is we do not talk to our partners enough about the sex (all aspects of it) that we are having. Don’t get me wrong. Rape culture is a serious, ugly, real problem. And victim blaming is always completely disgusting. But I think all people of varying genders and sexual orientations aren’t practicing enough sexual dialogue. The sex we are having can be too grey. Sometimes you are okay with some parts of the sex but it progressed too rapidly and you did not consent to all of it. Maybe you didn’t speak up at the time because you weren’t sure how or because it wasn’t exactly that bad. Maybe not what you wanted, but not something you were opposed to. We need to learn to speak the fuck up. We all are victims of a culture that seems to make the argument that any kind of sex, no matter how mediocre, is better than no sex at all. Alcohol is of course a factor. I think most people would agree with me when I say that alcohol makes me pretty horny, but is also makes the sex I do have pretty sub-par. Part of the factor is of course alcohol interferes with your sensory neurons communicating with your brain. I believe that alcohol actually makes us at once ‘rarin’ to go’ and less able to communicate what we do and do not actually fucking want. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not one of those people who waves a slut shaming finger at you for having a drunken, one night stand. I am sex positive in that I think that as long as you fully consent to any sex act you want with whomever you want, then I think that sex is a good idea. Consent requires communication. Communication, though, does not mean that you have to have been dating for ______ amount of time before you ‘know’ each other enough before you have sex. Communication means finding out what your partner likes and does not like. Surprise, this can be done on the first date! Communication means continually checking and rechecking with your partner(s) that the sex you two (or three or pick a number) are having. If this became more of a regular thing I think we could eliminate the assholes who try to victim blame or obfuscate the issue. Your partner did not ‘change their mind’. They were uncomfortable at the time and YOU failed to ask them.  The onus is not on your (male or female) partner to tell you whether they consent. The onus is on YOU TO ASK.

It works both ways

The problem of grey consent does not just affect one gender. It makes sex worse for both sexes. This is an example of the wide systematic sexism in our system that hurts men as well as women. I think that it's a fucking crime that men are conditioned by society to never report sexual activity that makes them uncomfortable. It's difficult for men to even talk about. This is a shitty fucking problem. (Although, to be fair, it's hard for women to talk about too. But we have some more supportive groups, if not a supportive judicial system or society. ). A man is not always ‘raring to go’ with any partner at any time. A man’s raison d’etre is not sex. Surprise men are actually fucking human beings. Pressuring a man into sexual activity that he does not want is wrong. Consent cannot be assumed just because your partner is male. And for fuck’s sake can we dispel the myth that because a man’s body responds that means he is a willing participant. (The same goes for women. Just because she is responding physically does not mean she is consenting. Bodily response has nothing to do with consent). That scene in Wedding Crashers where Vince Vaughn is tied up and forced into sexual activity IS. NOT. FUNNY. A man should not be treated as a piece of sexual meat to be used for your own pleasure any more than a woman should. (Seriously imagine that scene with the genders reversed. It’s fucking terrifying). Men are victimised by culture in this way because it teaches them that they should always want to have sex. If they do not, they are somehow ‘strange’ or not ‘masculine enough’. Men have just as much of a right as women to say “no honey, not tonight”.

The Open Dialogue

You might have noticed that a lot of this post is recommending that you have honest, explicit dialogue with your sexual partners about the activities that you are engaged in. That is because I am trying to make your sex lives better (as well as assault free). Talking with a partner about the sex you are having makes that sex better. Period. I think we’ve all fallen victim to the myth that ‘just knowing’ or ‘telepathy’ is supposed to be the romantic or sexy ideal. Your partner is supposed to ‘just know’ what gets you going or what you like in bed. Or what you want. Or if you are okay with what is happening. If you are really daring you can let them know by making fake noises, but god not words (heaven forbid). Asking your partner to do something in bed is NOT a criticism of their technique. None of us are friggin’ mind readers. (I hope). It doesn’t have to take you out of the moment and it’s not unsexy. Talking about what you’re doing is really hot. I know it can be scary to talk about sexual things with a partner. But I hope that we can come to understand that we’re being pretty vulnerable with our bodies when we engage in sexual activity. Maybe we can be a bit vulnerable with our words too? And honestly, that nervous energy can actually increase your arousal. The rush of getting those words out? HOT. (TMI Personal experience). The energy rush of putting taboo things into words can be quite a thrill. As can having your partner touching you in the EXACT RIGHT PLACE. (Hell yeah). You want to have mind blowing sex? Ask questions. Get consent. See where it leads you. I promise you it will be good places.