Sexy Feminism: or why I’m fucking tired of feminist apologism

Today at volunteering I ran into the blog “"The Sexy Feminist: The No Guilt Guide to Being a Modern Feminist". I’m not going to harp on this blog. From what I can tell it is actually a great feminist advocacy blog. It just jump started some thoughts in my head about all the feminist apologism I see these days. We’ve all heard it. I've done it. As soon as you tell someone you’re a feminist they give you this wary look and ask “Are you one of those feminists?” You find yourself tripping over your tongue trying to explain how you aren’t militant or ‘like them’ (heaven forbid). You find yourself in the ridiculous position of having to apologize for your feminism. Or feeling guilty for talking about your feminism with someone who is uninterested at best or outright hostile at worst. 

Or if you are a braver person than me you tell them to go fuck themselves. From now on I am going to tell people to go fuck themselves. As far as I am aware no other activist group is forced to apologize for itself as often as feminists are. The sexist reality of our modern world is that it is acceptable to be an activist for civil rights or the environment but it’s not okay to be a feminist. You have to justify feminism to others. (Writing this I’m feeling very ignorant because of my white privilege. I’m certain that Native groups and other activists of colour often find themselves in the same position of me. They probably are told to shut up or apologize as often if not more often. But I cannot make a pronouncement on this situation since I am completely ignorant.)

Why do we have to apologize for our feminism? Oh I know the historical reasons why. Men have always had the power. So of course a group that challenges that would be completely unacceptable. Activists are agitating against the status quo. Of course those who benefit from the status quo (or simply don’t care enough to fight against it) are going to look askance as us activists fucking up their shiny happy world. Other people want to focus on easy, ‘happy’ things and don’t like to be made aware of certain realities that most people in the world have to face on a daily basis. I’m also aware that this is a backlash against second wave feminism. Let’s face facts. Second wave feminism was needed. The backlash against it was and is extremely sexist. But feminists are not perfect. They too are rife with hyperbole and the unfortunate tendency to make blanket statements that alienated people from the cause. Personal Anecdote time: I did not get involved with the feminists on my university campus because of some comments one of them made to me about being straight in second year. Another story for another blog post. I regret now not getting involved. But I can see why some people get very defensive when they are told that they are talking to *gasp* a feminist.

BUT here’s what’s important. I understand why these people might get defensive but that DOES NOT MEAN that I’m going to apologize for being a feminist. Or say I’m not one of ‘those’ feminists. I am a militant fucking feminist. You should be too. I’m not going to try to water down what I believe in to make you feel comfortable. And here’s the kicker. When I don’t water down what I say or apologize for what I am most wary people find that they actually agree with most of what I say. If I apologize and try to diminish my involvement in the movement they won’t ever be challenged on their negative stereotypes of feminists. And if we don’t talk about it you aren’t going to come to realize that you actually probably believe in everything I am fighting for. And best case scenario, you might become one of ‘those’ feminist too. Even if you don’t agree with what I’m saying we can have an open and honest discussion about it. That’s progress. That’s true feminism. Creating space for women to speak their minds. Don’t force feminists to apologize because of some sexist stereotypes that you may have. Let’s face facts: sexists, the right wing, and the media have done everything they can to turn feminists into pariahs. Most young women my age no longer identify as feminists EVEN IF they agree with most of the feminist tenants that we fight for.  Trust me. Most of you are feminists. Don’t let the stereotypes confuse or blind you. Let’s reclaim the label! Let’s let the world know that it’s something awesome to be. We can’t let the assholes co-opt it and continue to turn it into a pejorative!

That’s being said, let’s come back to the ‘Sexy Feminist’. Women. This is not the way to go about grabbing feminism back and presenting a new image of it to the world. Sexy feminist? Really?

Here’s is what I hear when you say you are a sexy feminist:  “Look guys! Some of us feminists shave our legs! And like guys! And lipstick!”

Why are you catering to the assholes who created these negative stereotypes about women? This is not the way to respond to such jerks. Putting the focus on ‘sexy’ feminism is just creating a feminism whose most important aspect is appearance. Um, hello? Men have been trying to make women all about appearance for centuries. RESIST. Do not cater to the idea that our appearance is what gives us the right to be heard. Have full claim over your body. Dress how you want. Put what you want on your face. Refuse to be slut-shamed. Love who and how you want. But NEVER, EVER put on ‘a nice face’ to make feminism palatable. Feminism is ‘palatable’ as it is. The only people who actually find feminism gross are sexist assholes. I like to think that most of the people you are going to be talking to that have negative stereotypes about feminism are not going to be swayed by your shaved legs. Dialogue is what is important here. Agency is what is important here. When you tell someone that you are feminist and they react badly ask them why. It’s a perfect conversation starter! Don’t apologize. Ask them why they have a negative view of feminism and talk about what being a feminist actually means. I’m pretty sure you will find some common ground. Don’t focus on making your feminism ‘sexy’. And as for the sexist assholes? Putting the ‘sexy’ label on your feminism is not going to change their minds. They are still going to dismiss everything you say. All you are doing is catering to their appearance focused, objectifying ideas about women. Trying to speak out as one of those women is not going to change their minds. They are not going to listen. No matter how much lipstick you put on.